Where did you get a picture of my penis
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
