Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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