i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
