my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
