I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I smell stomach acid.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have tasted many bathrooms
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