Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
