Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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