Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
