If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
