the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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