You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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