why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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