you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
