Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
