mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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