I can text with my tongue
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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