i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
