I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
