he puts the penis in happiness.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
