maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
