i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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