this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
When did we convert life to cartoon?
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tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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