Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I deserve this hangover.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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