FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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