Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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