Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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