singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
