I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
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This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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