How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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