Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
