I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
