u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
