If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
