i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
