The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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