Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
