Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
