There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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