New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
