Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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