You're so nebulous sometimes
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
