So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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