96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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