Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
