i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
