guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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