john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
