what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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