am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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