Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
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he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
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If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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