I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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