Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
