my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
