Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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