I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
