I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
