I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
