i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
