How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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