I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
