sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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