3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
