He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This is the high leading the old right now
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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